One Day; When Love Meets the Fear We Don't Say Out Loud

The term, one day, is such a versatile term. Two small words that can evoke a multitude of meaning and emotion. I suddenly find myself thinking about the one day we often avoid talking about. Over my life and even to this day, my “one days” have been positive, aspirational, and some would say a little crazy.

My “one days” have ranged from one day I’ll make one hell of a wife, mother, grandmother to “one day” we’ll be financially stable, be able to help the less fortunate, have the home of my dreams creating memorable family gatherings. Then there are the “one days” that we tend to not talk much about except for with those closest to us.

We all go through struggles of some kind. Some seem easy to see past; “one day I’ll feel better, “one day I’ll get my weight under control, “one day “, I’ll apologize for what I said or did, “one day” I’ll get out of this financial hole, “one day” I’ll get over this addiction, “one day”, “one day”, “one day”. Then there is the one that each of us face at some point; one day will be my last day.

For me right now in this moment, as I sit at my mother’s side in the hospital, there is a “one day that is more terrifying than I have ever imagined. Every day we have with our loved ones is precious. That is never more evident than when the thought of losing them sneaks in to steal your peace. I have cared for my mother in our home for 20 years. I have seen her go from the positive, beautiful, independent woman that raised me and my sister to the sweet soul laying beside me fighting for her life.

As I have said before, I learned to be a strong woman because I was raised by one. My mother has taken the challenges that life has thrown her, and managed to be the most positive, encouraging, loving individual I know. So many health and physical challenges, that would have broken most.

 Beginning with polio as an infant, multiple surgeries, leaving her crippled. Multiple broken legs and different health issues have never made her bitter. When we were coming up, our friends called her mom. She has always been our biggest supporter, loudest cheerleader, and truth speaker, no matter what. My mother has always lived with physical limitations, financial challenges, and the normal ups and downs of life.

 The way she keeps going no matter what life throws her way, managing to maintain that upbeat positive attitude, gives me the strength to face my challenges. If she can do it, I know that all things are possible through Christ who strengthens us.

My aspirational “one days” in regard to my mother include; “one day” I will be able to provide all she needs to healthy, happy, and comfortable, one day I will be able to get fancy equipment that would make it possible for her to get out and enjoy the outdoors, do some of the things she used to enjoy. Then suddenly the what ifs creep in.

What if I don’t get a chance to do any of the things my heart desperately wants to do for her. Love is the most beautiful, terrifying gift that God has given us. And while I wouldn’t trade the love in my life for anything in this world, the fear of losing something you love dearly is almost unbearable.

As my mother’s caregiver, I get to witness the evolution of life. While it’s a blessing to be able to care for her at home, it is not easy to see the changes as they happen. I question whether I am doing enough for her. I am frustrated when we run into instances where even those charged with providing the services she needs, are clueless about some of the critical issues she faces.  It leaves you feeling powerless because love heals the soul but not the body.

As I sit here seeing her in this extreme state of weakness, my heart breaks. I must hold it together for her sake, but I tell you it is not easy to do. This is the reality of the “one day” that we don’t want to face. One day will be her last day, will I be there? Have I done all that I could to give her the best quality of life that I could? What is she feeling that she is unable to communicate? Let me tell you; this sh.. ain’t for the weak or strong!

I have grieved with friends on the loss of their loved ones, but I could never really relate to what they were feeling because I hadn’t experienced it myself. Of course we are saddened by their loss, but unless you have experienced it, you can’t really empathize. I am terrified at the thought that my turn, “one day”, may come. I say “may come” because no one knows when their time will come, so I may be spared in that I could go first.

The reality is “one day” is coming, whether we want it to or not. I don’t believe we are ever prepared, I know I am not. What I know right now is that I will sit here, praying, loving, smiling, crying (when she can’t see me), and trusting that God’s will, will be done and we will continue to trust him.

Every time I see her smile it makes me smile. Sometimes our presence makes all the difference and if that’s all I can do then that’s what I will do. Sometimes we are so busy doing life that the simple things seem insignificant, but sometimes it’s the simple things we do that make the biggest difference in the lives of those we love.